Thursday, August 22, 2013

Pinpoints of My Life

I've told several close friends of mine already, but I figured it would be good to write this down so I can revise it or go back to it whenever.

I want to live in NYC in a cramped apartment for 2 years, with my partner or best friend and make art and struggle, which helps understand the hard working conditions because I've gone through it.
Also I romanticize the city a lot. And I feel that every artist eventually goes to ny, and majority lives there some point in their life.

I want to live in the woods for 2 years also. Maybe with one or two friend, but ideally alone and no Internet, no media, just a place to think and fend for myself. I think isolation builds a lot of character. Also it forces me to apply the environmental skills I've learned in real life. Inspired by Thoreau, of whom lived in a cabin alone for 2 years to write, whereas I, will focus on my art.

My 3rd pinpoint in my life is to live in Portland/France for a while, this idea has not been as fleshed out yet because I've never been to either places.

After undergrad I plan to take two years off to travel the world and do peace corps or some voluntary helpful thing to really broaden my horizons, then go for grad school while start a cafe.
I invited Rachel and Lily to help out my cafe. I don't know where it will be located -maybe Bridgeport, Andersonville, Brooklyn, or Portland, to name a few-but it'll be very cute and cozy with soft lighting and pillows to sit on. Vintage lamps and majority of the decor will be made by me. On the walls will be artwork of local artists or me. The roof will have a garden and local teens can intern/volunteer and help garden.
It's to show that healthy living and gardening isn't as hard as it seems and the social side of it is that there are many many poor families that don't have the money or time to afford organic vegetables and end up eating McDonald's. Also I will invite local bands or filmmakers to present things on certain event nights, maybe a gallery in the basement. I'm thinking of making it a non profit cafe to truly focus on the social, environmental and artistic aspects that I want to change. All in all, I want a very community-orientated place to understand and be educated about things. If we give them an opportunity then there's a higher possibility that they won't be as "ignorant". And everyone just needs a chance.
I just want healthy organic eating to be more affordable, less pretentious and overwhelming and delicious! the same goes for art, for the majority of people find it useless, time consuming and pretentious.

And who knows? Maybe this is too ambitious and maybe it might become a career. Or maybe just a lifetime dream that I chase after. But I think there's ought to be more dreamers and more risk takers to take the first step, because we won't have all the luxury around us if everyone took life as it came, right?

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Cleaning my room and found the cheesiest thing ever


The back has some pictures I drew with Fei in Ap Bio loll

Unrealistic Future Job Ideas

-Yoga instructor
-Porn movie director
-Cheerleader for Mucca Pazza
- Fisherwoman
-Wonderwoman
-Spy/secret agent
-Detective
-Paparazzi
-Body Painter
-Trapeze Artist
-Safari Ranger
-Yodeler
-Professional reality TV star
-Stunt woman
-Opera Singer
-Trap Artist/Rapper/Yolandi    
-Food travel guide
-The people that come up with crayon names
-A candle maker
-A drug dealer/cook 
-A feminist stripper
-An environmentally friendly artist

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Rest In Peace

I will soon write a very very serious post about good byes. Friendships. Coming of age. How I see myself. Talks with Andy Li. Sarah Greene. Lily and crystal.
And most definitely my realization for my extreme selfishness and how I take my parents for granted without realizing.

But I must sleep and wake up early tomorrow for work. So alas, good night.

Monday, August 5, 2013

I hate it when I call/text people not a single responds or picks up but then when I'm feeling better/don't want to talk I realize they were awake via Facebook post or they reply back to my texts. 

I sound like a brat bleh

Sunday, August 4, 2013

AM I TRULY A FAILURE?

Can I never make my mom proud?

Fuck you mom and your fucking cynicalness. I hate how I constantly disappoint you so much.

Wow

This universe is just so extraordinary and beautiful. Life is too short to explore all the crevices of majestic aspects of life...

Bitch

I hate how my mom can't appreciate any of my art. It's not the mere fact that she dislikes it but she criticizes it in the harshest critical way without any art knowledge or experience. I don't even know the lay time I've seen her draw so who is she to call my stuff a piece of shit?! I mean, is it really that bad?! I'm not even halfway finished. God I hate her.

How can you live life unexamined

Rissa and my talk about distant friends, wanting something different in life, coming of age..but how can they be so stuck in their little worlds

Lolla people 

Suburban people

Simple example: their music taste
The bigger picture: everything else they do

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Realizations

This morning started off extremely gloomy with me waking up late and unwilling to ask my mom for a ride. However, the workshop at Marwen gave me something to chew on. We watched a TED talk about how our body shapes the way our mind thinks.  

This reminded me of all the things I've learned in therapy; the fake it til you make it. Keep smiling and positive attitudes will follow. I understand all the science and logic behind the theory but for some reason I can't get myself to smile today. I feel too exhausted and tired of faking it. 
---
We had to give mini presentations about something we knew a lot about and from the three topics I've chosen, someone from the audience chose the topic "yogurt". It was then that I realized that I not only knew very little about yogurt, but also I'm not that great of public speaker as I thought I was...

Just sleep already...

The thing I hate most about depression is  the fact that it's classified as a disease but it just feels like me being stupid. Also I can never casually bring it up, or talk about it, because it's always such an intimate and sensitive thing. The main shitty thing is that it kills the mood. It's depressing...ha ha. Whenever I'm sad and want to vent, it just seems like people are tired of hearing about my problems. As for the friends that are just with me to have fun, I can never be with them when I'm sad because I'll just be a party pooper. Even people I call my closest friends like Dansen, the twins and Rissa...I cannot bring myself to tell them my problems anymore because it just seems to ruin their day or just such a burden.

But in the end who can I turn to? My therapist? The thought of that just makes things sadder...

Disappointment

I know there's people out there that care about me. I know my family is wonderful and I do have friends and even random strangers, of whom I've met for less than 20 mins, would claim they "love" me and I'm so great. Blahjdnwksk. For whatever reason. For the good looks that I don't have or something or my ethnicity or my petiteness. Whatever it is, I don't see it.
But I want to be whatever they see and I don't want to be a disappointment.
The thing is I hate when people say "I'm sure you're a great artist". What do you have to validate your judgement? What the fuck? Because I'm nice to you? That doesn't mean I'm a great artist at all. I'm not. And it's too much to live up to. This expectation. I can't even bring myself to love what I've created.

Maybe I should just stop

List of ideas to stop:
* Delete this blog and stop focusing on your little whiny bitchiness.
* Delete Facebook.
* Disconnect with people.
* Stop talking about yourself.
* Just stop talking in general.
* Just die.


U
G
H
I sound pathetic.

Gross

My life is utterly confusing and complex right now and maybe it's this moment in time that's strange for everyone. It's a new phase of life. A new chapter. Ends of many things and beginnings of others. Maybe it's me over reading into everything and over-caring and analyzing everything people do or say to me.

Am I good enough? Am I cool enough? Am I funny? Am I attractive? Do I do enough? 
And you know what? At the end of the day, the repeated word, "no, no, no" exhausts my thoughts, twirling 'round and 'round my head. The tumbling of the negative snowball rolls downhill with me.
I've tried so hard to stay positive and even forgiven myself at times when I'm sad. Try to stay loose and keep things afloat. It's difficult. And sometimes I catch myself giving up. Looking at myself in the mirror and saying "who am I fucking kidding? I'm not the things I say I am or want to be."
It's true. I'm just a try-hard. A people-pleaser. A nobody. I think the majority of people are but they can stride in pleasantness in life mainly because they can live in ignorance and in denial.
But I can't. I can't help but think that I want to become so many things that I am not. And my trials have proven futile.

My parents can't even have a conversation with me without sighing or sounding disappointed. My mom doesn't   remember what I've said or look at me when i speak. Acknowledge me, god fucking dammit. I know you love me and care for me but why can't you act like you do? Why is that it seems like I can never make you two proud? What do I have to do? And as I sit here crying, I feel like the most pathetic whiniest unappreciative bitch. I'm not. I care. Please. Understand I love you. Please. Just give me respect. And maybe you two think I disrespect you because I come home late or rarely even stay at home even. It's never out of disrespect. It's out of fear. Out of anger. I fear no matter what I do, there seems to be always, always always something I'm fucking up. I'm angry that you two are just hypocrites. 
I don't even know what I'm doing.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

I can't paint.

I'm slowly wasting away. Blehhhhhhh blaaah. Watch this gross self-loathing feeling engulf me and swallow me. Consume me and grind me into dust. Smother me and burn me until I become ashes. Ashes ashes ashes we all fall down.

I'm 

Falling

Down.



God. I don't know why I just can't feel loved. I just feel so terrible about myself constantly. It's not pity. It's disgust. 

I'm distant from everyone and I can no longer talk to anyone without constantly talking to myself. It's grotesque. Me me me. Narcissistic son of a bitch. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

Pat

Patryk is my best friend in the whole wide world. I can tell him everything, anything and have fun all the time. I'm glad to have him in my life.

I'll get back to this post so it's not as cheesy and generic. But I am too tired to think right now and I shall watch a movie and then zzZZZzzzZZz