Realizations

This morning started off extremely gloomy with me waking up late and unwilling to ask my mom for a ride. However, the workshop at Marwen gave me something to chew on. We watched a TED talk about how our body shapes the way our mind thinks.  

Amy Cuddy: Your body language shapes who you are

This reminded me of all the things I've learned in therapy; the fake it til you make it. Keep smiling and positive attitudes will follow. I understand all the science and logic behind the theory but for some reason I can't get myself to smile today. I feel too exhausted and tired of faking it. 

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We had to give mini presentations about something we knew a lot about and from the three topics I've chosen, someone from the audience chose the topic "yogurt". It was then that I realized that I not only knew very little about yogurt, but also I'm not that great of public speaker as I thought I was...

Just sleep already...

The thing I hate most about depression is  the fact that it's classified as a disease but it just feels like me being stupid. Also I can never casually bring it up, or talk about it, because it's always such an intimate and sensitive thing. The main shitty thing is that it kills the mood. It's depressing...ha ha. Whenever I'm sad and want to vent, it just seems like people are tired of hearing about my problems. As for the friends that are just with me to have fun, I can never be with them when I'm sad because I'll just be a party pooper. Even people I call my closest friends like Dansen, the twins and Rissa...I cannot bring myself to tell them my problems anymore because it just seems to ruin their day or just such a burden.

But in the end who can I turn to? My therapist? The thought of that just makes things sadder...

Disappointment

I know there's people out there that care about me. I know my family is wonderful and I do have friends and even random strangers, of whom I've met for less than 20 mins, would claim they "love" me and I'm so great. Blahjdnwksk. For whatever reason. For the good looks that I don't have or something or my ethnicity or my petiteness. Whatever it is, I don't see it.

But I want to be whatever they see and I don't want to be a disappointment.

The thing is I hate when people say "I'm sure you're a great artist". What do you have to validate your judgement? What the fuck? Because I'm nice to you? That doesn't mean I'm a great artist at all. I'm not. And it's too much to live up to. This expectation. I can't even bring myself to love what I've created.

Maybe I should just stop

List of ideas to stop:

* Delete this blog and stop focusing on your little whiny bitchiness.

* Delete Facebook.

* Disconnect with people.

* Stop talking about yourself.

* Just stop talking in general.

* Just die.

U

G

H

I sound pathetic.

Gross

My life is utterly confusing and complex right now and maybe it's this moment in time that's strange for everyone. It's a new phase of life. A new chapter. Ends of many things and beginnings of others. Maybe it's me over reading into everything and over-caring and analyzing everything people do or say to me.

Am I good enough? Am I cool enough? Am I funny? Am I attractive? Do I do enough? 

And you know what? At the end of the day, the repeated word, "no, no, no" exhausts my thoughts, twirling 'round and 'round my head. The tumbling of the negative snowball rolls downhill with me.

I've tried so hard to stay positive and even forgiven myself at times when I'm sad. Try to stay loose and keep things afloat. It's difficult. And sometimes I catch myself giving up. Looking at myself in the mirror and saying "who am I fucking kidding? I'm not the things I say I am or want to be."

It's true. I'm just a try-hard. A people-pleaser. A nobody. I think the majority of people are but they can stride in pleasantness in life mainly because they can live in ignorance and in denial.

But I can't. I can't help but think that I want to become so many things that I am not. And my trials have proven futile.

My parents can't even have a conversation with me without sighing or sounding disappointed. My mom doesn't   remember what I've said or look at me when i speak. Acknowledge me, god fucking dammit. I know you love me and care for me but why can't you act like you do? Why is that it seems like I can never make you two proud? What do I have to do? And as I sit here crying, I feel like the most pathetic whiniest unappreciative bitch. I'm not. I care. Please. Understand I love you. Please. Just give me respect. And maybe you two think I disrespect you because I come home late or rarely even stay at home even. It's never out of disrespect. It's out of fear. Out of anger. I fear no matter what I do, there seems to be always, always always something I'm fucking up. I'm angry that you two are just hypocrites. 

I don't even know what I'm doing.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

I can't paint.

I'm slowly wasting away. Blehhhhhhh blaaah. Watch this gross self-loathing feeling engulf me and swallow me. Consume me and grind me into dust. Smother me and burn me until I become ashes. Ashes ashes ashes we all fall down.

I'm 

Falling

Down.

God. I don't know why I just can't feel loved. I just feel so terrible about myself constantly. It's not pity. It's disgust. 

I'm distant from everyone and I can no longer talk to anyone without constantly talking to myself. It's grotesque. Me me me. Narcissistic son of a bitch. 

Pat

Patryk is my best friend in the whole wide world. I can tell him everything, anything and have fun all the time. I'm glad to have him in my life.

I'll get back to this post so it's not as cheesy and generic. But I am too tired to think right now and I shall watch a movie and then zzZZZzzzZZz

Regrets and Misc

My head hurts and my eyes are drooping. Despite my tiredness, I managed to sob quietly for 30 minutes as Cat Power and Devendra Banhart rock me in their sad lullabies. I can't help but think about all the things I haven't done and shouldn't have done. Especially for my parents and my fucking depression junior and senior year. My relationship with Noah and how I handled things with Jehad. I wish I was a better person but somehow it seems I can. Never be where I want to be, no matter how hard I'm trying and pushing myself.

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Other updates:

-I read a lot and practiced a lot of drawing techniques today! Yay. Hopefully I keep this up.

- I'm beginning to sort of like Pat. Maybe I shouldn't because I tend to fuck up other people's lives and screw up relationships. :/

- Rachel is very dear to me. She might be the only person that really understands and cares for me right now. I understand I have many friends but there's this connection and unspoken deep trust I have with Rachel that I don't have with many others. Thank god for her. Really. Thank you, Rachel's mama and papa Cheung.

- I love my family very dearly and we went to Sonic's drive thru thingy ma bob for the first time. I realize (well, not for the first time, but a after hard thought) how deep our unconditional family love we have for one another. And how I will miss them when I'm in Vermont. But I must experience and learn to grow. I truly do love my brothers. Dustin and Arnold, I worry for you two so much and I wish you two nothing but the best. I promise and I swear I will try to do everything I could to provide you two with nothing but health and happiness. You guys give me the willpower and motivation to live. You may not be the reason, because I've learned that we should all live to love ourselves and provide our own reason to live rather than placing that meaning onto someone else, but you two are definitely what I look forward seeing each and every day- but I probably would never admit that to you two because that's just cheesy and lame. 😒

God fuck I hate Facebook. Mainly because I see Noah or one of his brothers on my news feed which eventually leads me to look at photos of Noah that I've seen thousands of times. Then, getting frustrated at myself I begin to hate him.

NoahRS

I got a voice message and I checked it. Then I accidentally clicked on a deleted message of Noah's and I listened to it. Now I'm crying...

I thought I was over him. I don't know if these are tears of frustration that I still deeply care for him or because I still like him and miss him...or both. I just wish this feeling would go away soon. I miss his hugs and his smile that he gives to no other person and his gentle kisses and the way he strokes my arms.

Maybe I'm just lonely. But I know if Jehad, Nathan, Patryk, Frank or any other guy did those things to me right now, it would not fill this void.

I miss you, Noah. And maybe if we still have feelings for each other in the future, maybe we will become something better than what we had.