Gross

My life is utterly confusing and complex right now and maybe it's this moment in time that's strange for everyone. It's a new phase of life. A new chapter. Ends of many things and beginnings of others. Maybe it's me over reading into everything and over-caring and analyzing everything people do or say to me.

Am I good enough? Am I cool enough? Am I funny? Am I attractive? Do I do enough? 

And you know what? At the end of the day, the repeated word, "no, no, no" exhausts my thoughts, twirling 'round and 'round my head. The tumbling of the negative snowball rolls downhill with me.

I've tried so hard to stay positive and even forgiven myself at times when I'm sad. Try to stay loose and keep things afloat. It's difficult. And sometimes I catch myself giving up. Looking at myself in the mirror and saying "who am I fucking kidding? I'm not the things I say I am or want to be."

It's true. I'm just a try-hard. A people-pleaser. A nobody. I think the majority of people are but they can stride in pleasantness in life mainly because they can live in ignorance and in denial.

But I can't. I can't help but think that I want to become so many things that I am not. And my trials have proven futile.

My parents can't even have a conversation with me without sighing or sounding disappointed. My mom doesn't   remember what I've said or look at me when i speak. Acknowledge me, god fucking dammit. I know you love me and care for me but why can't you act like you do? Why is that it seems like I can never make you two proud? What do I have to do? And as I sit here crying, I feel like the most pathetic whiniest unappreciative bitch. I'm not. I care. Please. Understand I love you. Please. Just give me respect. And maybe you two think I disrespect you because I come home late or rarely even stay at home even. It's never out of disrespect. It's out of fear. Out of anger. I fear no matter what I do, there seems to be always, always always something I'm fucking up. I'm angry that you two are just hypocrites. 

I don't even know what I'm doing.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

I can't paint.

I'm slowly wasting away. Blehhhhhhh blaaah. Watch this gross self-loathing feeling engulf me and swallow me. Consume me and grind me into dust. Smother me and burn me until I become ashes. Ashes ashes ashes we all fall down.

I'm 

Falling

Down.

God. I don't know why I just can't feel loved. I just feel so terrible about myself constantly. It's not pity. It's disgust. 

I'm distant from everyone and I can no longer talk to anyone without constantly talking to myself. It's grotesque. Me me me. Narcissistic son of a bitch.